There Was Never Anything Wrong With Me

I was just in the wrong place

Nothing quite like waking up in mid-life and realizing you’ve been living an inauthentic life.
Nothing like spending years chasing what you thought you were supposed to become.

For me, that was a career, a master’s degree, advancement, boardrooms… all of it. I did it because I believed that’s where happiness and success would be found. But slowly, the flame inside me began to dull.

As a child, the things that lit that flame were simple: the outdoors, flowers, fresh air, watching clouds, animals, especially farm animals. And helping others. Kindness was engraved in my soul. It lit me up.

But somewhere along the way… I lost that flame.

I learned what I was supposed to do to be valued, successful, praised.

As I began my career as an Occupational Therapist, I started wondering what was wrong with me.

I felt constantly stressed. Sitting in boardrooms during rounds didn’t come naturally. My heart would race. My cheeks would flush. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t become the quick-speaking, extroverted version of myself that seemed required to survive in that fast-paced, keep-up-or-get-eaten-alive environment.

I loved the one-on-one interactions with my clients. I loved helping people.

But my caseload in my first job was 200 clients. I was the sole OT for an entire centre. The expectations were high. The unnecessary meetings consumed time. The politics and policies slowly drained me. The system seemed designed for quantity, not the quality client-centered care I strived to give.

I realize now, at 40, that there was never anything wrong with me.

I was a flower trying to bloom in the wrong environment.

An environment not meant for me. One where I could never truly express myself, never thrive, never fully bloom.

Instead, I slowly faded.
Existing… but not fully living.

At 40, I now know what lights me up. And ironically, it’s the same things that lit me up as a little girl: nature, gardening, farming, raising my children, cooking, caring for my home, reading, peace, quiet.

I have a deep sensitivity to beauty. I can’t walk past a flower, a sunrise, or the smell of rain without stopping. It moves me. It fills me.

While others pass by, I feel called to pause… to take it in fully.

This is who I am.

How could I ever thrive inside a cubicle, an office, or a boardroom?

I am meant to be in nature.

We are equipped with an incredible authenticity meter. It’s our body.

Our bodies always know.

The racing heart, the blushing, the tension… it was never that something was wrong with me. I was simply in an environment that wasn’t meant for me.

And my body told me, again and again.

But I ignored it.

I pushed through. I tried to change myself. I tried to “get over it.”

I spent 11 years in that environment, forcing myself out of my comfort zone. I didn’t shy away from hard work. I pushed myself to become the version of success I thought I was supposed to be.

And I did.

I became it.

I was “successful.” I led meetings and teams. I gave presentations. I even made it on the news once.

But although I arrived there on the outside… the path on the inside looked very different.

I withered.
I had extreme anxiety.
I burned out.

And yet, I still believe in stepping outside of our comfort zones.

But only when those challenges are aligned with who we truly are.

Last year, I signed up for a 10K trail run up a mountain. It was uncomfortable… but exhilarating.

I learned downhill skiing, skating, cross-country skiing. All outside my comfort zone.

But it felt different.

My heart wanted those things.

And when I did them, I felt expansion… not depletion.

That’s the difference.

When I am home, tending to my family, my garden, my animals… something shifts.

I feel peace.

I can feel my heart expand.

A quiet life with my family, caring for our home, growing food, living simply… this is authentic for me.

By society’s standards, it may look small. Too simple. Maybe even insignificant.

And I still feel that pressure sometimes. Honestly, often.

But it’s right for me.

If I spend my days managing my home, holding “board meetings” with my children under the stars, waking to birds and animals instead of alarms…

I will have lived a deeply successful life.

I love being home.
I love having no plans.

I am quiet.
I am an introvert.
And no amount of pressure will make me otherwise.

I think deeply before I speak.
I express myself best through writing.
I need time to process. To observe.

I love cooking from scratch.
I love growing my food.
I love putting my hands in the soil.

I find baking sourdough and churning butter exhilarating.

I love raising my children.
I love homeschooling them.
I love helping them discover what lights them up.

I love to read.
I love to write.

This is who I am.

It’s okay to want a simple life.
It’s okay to just be you.

I’m still figuring it out.

I live far more authentically now than I did four years ago, after making major life changes.

I still work as an Occupational Therapist, but now privately, not within a large system.

I work one-on-one. I work from home or in my clients’ homes, in nature, outdoors… anywhere but an office. I spend time to get to know my clients deeply. I offer quality care over quantity as I keep my caseload very small.

And I thrive this way.

I’m still simplifying.
Still learning.
Still becoming.

Slowly stepping into a truer version of myself.

Maybe you’ve felt this too. Like you’ve been trying to bloom somewhere that never quite felt right.

If you’re here, reading and walking alongside me, thank you.

A few ways I began finding my authentic path:

1. Reflecting on what lit me up as a child, before the world told me who to be

2. Writing a letter to my future self. What would she be proud of?

3. Listening to my body. What expands me, and what shrinks me?

4. Creating quiet space to hear the whisper of my soul over the noise of the world

5. Spending time in nature, often off-grid

6. Finding my top three core values and designing my life around them

7. Identifying the activities where I enter a flow state, where I am completely immersed, where time seems to disappear and I feel fully alive

If you’re on this path too, I’m really glad you’re here

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I’ve added a few photos below that feel like little snapshots of me, my life as it is now.

If you feel called to share, I’d love to see pieces of your life that feel like you, too.